


He Used to be Mine

by Daretodream66



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dark, Do not copy this to another site, F/F, Fluff, Heavy Angst, M/M, Older Shuri, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Trigger Warnings, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:14:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23319664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daretodream66/pseuds/Daretodream66
Summary: Multiple chapter story.  This beginning piece is seriously dark and has the potential to trigger.  This is a look into Steve's character and where he might have been mentally after Civil War. This isn't going to be Infinity War or Endgame compliant.  It does get better, but it's a long journey for Steve. Please read the notes.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Shuri/original female character
Comments: 37
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Couple of things:  
> Shuri in this is older and not a teenager. She's in her mid to late twenties and married.   
> I started this story right after Civil War came out in 2016. So, for nearly four years, this has been sitting on my computer. Mainly because I didn't think that anyone would want to read it, but also because it's personal. I'll let you, the reader, decide what you think I mean by that. I hope that you'll give it a chance, it's complete. I'm just posting as I edit.  
> Please heed the tags and if something like this will trigger you, don't read.

Steve watches as the building explodes. He feels the heat wave overtake him, but stands his ground. In his ear, he can hear Sam and Clint screaming his name. Not Captain, not Cap, just Steve. He knows he’s far enough away that he won’t be hurt, but his friends never trust his judgment these days. Yeah, maybe that’s wise of them.

If he’s being really honest and only in the dark depths of night, taking the Valkerie into the ocean was when it started. That’s not true either, but he doesn’t want to think about the first time. Every mental break has a catalyst and for Steve, it’s when Bucky went off the side of that train. After that, nothing really mattered. Even the tentative relationship he could have seen with Peggy didn’t matter after Bucky was gone. 

Only he wasn’t gone, was he?

So, then it became about the guilt at not having gone back to find his body. Which, if Steve had done, then he would have seen that someone had taken the body and he’d have rained down hell on anyone getting in his way in bringing Bucky home, dead or not. 

Bucky’s still in cryo and the Secret Avengers are taking on small missions that come their way. T’Challa helps weed through everything that comes their way and sends the SA where they need to go. Steve trusts him to only send them where they won’t be caught. He doesn’t care so much if he’s caught, but he can’t let the rest of the team get captured. They had enough of that on The Raft. 

Again, it’s really about the guilt now.

It’s what keeps him going. He has a debt to pay, but even that is getting harder and harder to see. He reaches down, touching the hilt of the knife in his belt.

The heat wave passes and Steve is still standing his ground. Sam lands not far from him and runs to his side. “Fuck man, why do you do that?”

Clint makes his way over. “God dammit Steve, you have to stop doing that.”

Sam gives Clint a ‘that’s what I’ve been trying to tell him’ look and Clint nods. Steve doesn’t stop watching the burning building. “Let’s go home.” Then he turns and heads back to the Quinjet. Sam and Clint follow, exchanging a ‘we need to have a long talk about this behavior’ look.

Steve wakes a few nights later sweating from a dream that he shouldn’t have been having. He’s hard and needs relief. It’s the same dream every time. Sweat slicked bodies moving together in the most intimate way. And it isn’t allowed, not in his subconscious and not in his waking life. When he has it, he always piles that guilt onto what he already carries. He won’t give in to this and gets up to head to the gym. Looking at his bedside table, he sees the knife sitting there, waiting and wonders if it’s time yet. 

He thinks of the look the object of his affection would give him if they knew and his erection flags quickly. It’s the same…every time.

The gym is quiet and that’s just how Steve likes it. He doesn’t have to deal with anyone else’s needs. For the next two hours he punches and punches. He’s exhausted and goes back to his room for a bath. The steam fills the room, swirling around his face making it so he can’t see. He likes not being able to see, then it’s like he’s not there. Not a person. Not real.

He goes to back to the bedroom and looks at the knife on the side table. It’s not anything special, just a knife he picked up in the market not long after they arrived in Wakanda. Running his finger over the flat side of the blade, he picks it up and carries it to the bathroom. It gives him a sense of security that nothing, except Bucky, ever has.

The knife sits on the counter. He knows it’s there. It’s always within reach in his apartment. It’s become his redeemer.

Sitting in the water he tries to shut his mind off. It never works. Every failure. Every injustice suffered because of him. The thoughts crowd his mind and won’t let go. Maybe it’s finally time. 

The letter sits on his desk. White, neat, an explanation for everyone and by everyone he means Bucky. It’s been there for months, waiting. It won’t have to wait much longer. A drop of water drips from the faucet, he watches the ripples. They grow larger then dissipate in the larger pool. Steve’s not the drop that makes the ripples. Steve’s not even the pool it drips into. Steve is that part that swallows the drop making it so the drop never existed. He knows, without a doubt, that he’s the worst possible outcome for anyone he comes in contact with. Taking the knife from the counter, he swirls it in the water.

Maybe it’s past time.

He picks up the knife, digs it in as deep as he can, and drags it through skin, muscle, bone. It’s almost like a relief. No, it is a relief. Blood pours from the first wound. He makes a second cut. The knife drops into the steaming water and he lays back. Letting go is easier than he thought it would be. Letting go is best for everyone. 

No more leading people that deserve better. No more guilt for his wrong doings. No more loving where it’s not allowed. 

No more.

The water is red now. It’s almost beautiful through the haze of steam and buzzing in his head. Closing his eyes, he lets the haze take him. 

No more.

Just quiet.

Bucky comes to, shaking and expecting to be dragged to the chair, but it never comes. Just a blanket being laid over him and a voice that sounds vaguely familiar saying, “Take it easy. You’re in Wakanda and you’re safe.” He relaxes into the warm blanket and waits for the cryo sickness to pass. He knows he’ll throw up, but that’s not until he sits up, so he doesn’t try to sit up yet.

“Did you find a cure?” He whispers, voice broken and rough.

There’s a hand on his arm, his only arm. “No, but we have a bigger issue and we need you.”

He takes a shaky breath, trying to clear his head. “Don’t tell me you want me to kill anyone. I can’t do that, Steve.”

The voice comes clearer now and it’s not Steve. “No, we wouldn’t ask you to do that. We have someone that we need you to save.”

The voice cracks and a sob comes out. “Sam?” Sam doesn’t speak for a few minutes. Bucky tries to clear his mind and process what his voice is not saying. “Where’s Steve?” The sobbing continues and Bucky knows. He sits up too quickly and there’s a trash can shoved into his hands. He throws up, retching into the can. It’s never pleasant, but at least this time he’s not being dragged to the chair. “Sam, for god sakes, where’s Steve?”

It’s only through a strange twist of fate or chance or whatever the fuck it was that Sam and Clint found Steve. Wanda woke up screaming that Steve was in danger and to appease her, they had gone to check on him. What they found…

What they found chilled them to their very core. If not for Wanda, he wouldn’t have been found in time. As it was, they almost didn’t. They did save him, but the pain that he’d been carrying became clear immediately.

He’d spent the next few days crying, curled in on himself. He’d wanted the quiet so badly, he couldn’t accept that he was back in the light. Every time they had gone to see him in the hospital wing, he’d looked at them almost accusingly, whimpering that they should have let him go. He needed them to let him go. 

He needed to let go.

For several days he refused any and all medication they tried to get him to take. It was only when Wanda came in, begging him to do it for her, if not for himself, at least for her. But then he’d go back to making himself as small as possible in the bed and wouldn’t talk to anyone.

Bucky watches through the two way mirror and doesn’t recognize the man sitting next to the window. His Stevie has always been fire and fury. This guy is lost. Pale. Empty.

“What happened to him?” Bucky feels like there would have been a catalyst. That something had to trigger this. The bandages wrapped around both of his forearms are concerning. The cuts had to have been exceptionally deep for the bandages to still be there. His Steve had really wanted to die. How does he process that?

“We’re not sure. When we try to get him to talk, all he says is we should have let him go, that everyone, especially you, would be better off.” Sam has to wipe away tears as he talks.

“I need to talk to him.” Bucky closes his eyes, hoping that when he opens them, it will have been a dream. It doesn’t work.

He opens the door, it’s reinforced and the magnetic locks make it so even a super soldier can’t break out. That’s also concerning. It means that they think if Steve gets out, he’ll try again. “Steve?”

The blonds head whips around from the window and he looks like a caged animal: wild, feral, frightened. “Nononononono…” Before Bucky can take another step, Steve has dropped to the floor and crawled into the far corner. He’s shaking and tears stream down his face. He looks at the mirror. “I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THIS SAM. YOU PROMISED.”

Bucky turns back to the mirror, accusingly. “Sam?”

Sam presses the button for the intercom. “He didn’t want us waking you until he could find a way to finish what he started.”

Bucky’s head jerks back to Steve. Angry. “Well that’s not happening, pal. We’re going to figure this out.”

He slowly, like he’s trying not to frighten a scared dog, makes his way to Steve and sits on the floor in front of him. Reaching out, Steve cowers away, pulling further in on himself. Trying to look smaller than he actually is. Bucky pulls his hand back and lays it in his lap. Sitting cross legged on the floor, he starts to talk in calm, soothing tones. “Steve, you gotta tell me what happened. You were going to leave me and I don’t understand why.”

Steve whimpers. “You needed peace.” He curls into a ball and begins to cry in earnest. Bucky slides over, leaning on the wall, legs stretched out in front. Steve tries to resist, but he’s too weak to fight back, so Bucky manhandles him into his lap.

Steve cries for what seems like hours. It isn’t fair is all Bucky can think. His strong, driven, determined friend should not be this broken. How did he not see it? Oh yeah, that’s right, he ran back to cryo and never really looked. Never noticed. Never wanted to. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Therapy starts and a secret is discovered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I want to remind everyone that Shuri is older in this. Also, I patterned by original character Simone after my therapist. That's why they are doing yoga while in session.

Steve sits in the therapist’s office looking for a way out. She’s nice enough, but he doesn’t really want the help. They’ve been giving him meds that are formulated for his metabolism and his head is clearer. That doesn’t mean that he’s thinking any differently, he’s just clearer about it. Bucky wanted to come in with him, but Simone told him that it wasn’t a good idea. 

When the brunette had started to argue, she’d continued by telling him that Steve would say what Bucky wanted to hear and not what he really needed to say, so Bucky sits outside the door, waiting. Steve’s sure that the man is trying to listen to their conversation, but Simone told him that the room was sound proof. Not that it matters because he doesn’t want to be here.

“Steve, why don’t you tell me what you were thinking that night?” She’s got a file in front of her and a note pad.

“That I wanted it to stop.” He doesn’t speak very loud, but she hears him. He hasn’t looked up. He’s so tired of seeing pity in everyone’s eyes.

“What did you want to stop?”

“Everything.” He’s tired all the time now. Just waking up is too hard. Eating is next to impossible, but Bucky is always there, making sure that he does.

“What do you mean, everything?”

He’s not a rude person, his mother would roll over in her grave if he were, but this is too much. “You went to college for this, right?” Although he doesn’t see it, he knows that she nods. “Then you already know what I mean.”

“I’m not your enemy in this, Steve. I just want to understand.”

As hard as it is, he pushes up out of the chair and goes to the window. His steps are sluggish with a depression so deeply ingrained. It doesn’t go unnoticed by the doctor. “What do you see when you looks outside?”

She gets up and comes to the window, standing for a minute, looking out at her beautiful country. “I see, beauty and hope.”

He gives a breathy, half laugh that has no humor in it. Her answer is such a therapist thing to say. “I see every failure I’ve ever had. I see my own guilt. And now, I see everyone else’s pity.”

It’s not much, but it’s enough that Simone has a starting point. “Let’s talk about that then. Tell me what your failures are.”

He doesn’t move or speak for several minutes. When he does, there are tears. “Bucky.”

As the weeks go by, Steve talks more. He still has to be prompted by Simone, but when she asks, he does answer. Bucky is still there when he comes out of the office, but he never says anything. He just encourages Steve to keep going. More than anything, Bucky wants to put his arm around his friend, hold him up, carry him if necessary, but he honestly doesn’t know if that’s a good idea right now. It feels unnatural not to because that’s how they were as kids. Now, he isn’t sure he knows the guy that comes out of the office.

Sam paces around the common room of their suites in the palace, looking down at the letter. Since that night, he’s been holding it. Clint knows that he has it, he’s even asked about it once, but Sam just tells him it isn’t time. 

He’s not sure why he keeps it secret and, in a way, expects Steve to ask about it. He never does. Sitting heavily in a chair, he pulls it out again, reading the words that he can’t decide would help the situation or do more harm. Until he knows what Steve has said to Simone, he can’t break a trust. Steve didn’t know who would find it that night, but he had to suspect that it might be Sam. He has to know that Sam has it, but until he says something about it, it needs to stay private.

This all goes against his counseling background. But in this case, he isn’t the counselor, he’s the trusted friend of the victim. He knows it’s wrong, he knows that in any other case he would have handed the letter over immediately, but he can’t. Scott comes into the room, flinging himself into the opposite chair. “What’s up?”

Sam starts shaking his head and about to wave it off as nothing. “It’s not...”

Scott furrows his brow, like he’s struggling with something. “You know I was in prison?” Sam nods, confused by this turn in the conversation. “I had this cellmate. The first night there, I was terrified that this guy would kill me in my sleep.” He gives a chuckle. Sam quirks an eyebrow. “A few nights later, after lights out, this guy starts talking to me. I don’t even know if it was really to me or just talking, but he starts telling me about his daughter. He’s this huge guy, covered in tattoos, and he’s telling me about her second birthday. She’d not walked yet and he and his wife thought there was something wrong, but they didn’t have money or health insurance, so they just kept hoping. Then on her second birthday, he comes home from work and Aliah, that’s the daughter, gets up from the floor and waddles over to him. Said it was the greatest gift he’s ever gotten.”

Sam’s really confused now. “Why are you telling me this, man?”

Scott gives that carefree smile that he always has. Even in their current situation, he still has that smile. “A few days after that first night, he and I are talking about our kids and he tells me that he’s never had anyone to talk to. He hugs me. Can you believe that shit? He hugs me. Not long after, I start getting guys coming to me in the yard, just talking about anything that’s bothering them.” Scott leans in, elbows on his knees. “They talked to me because I never told anyone about our conversations. Because they somehow knew they could trust me.”

Sam grins. It’s the first time he’s felt anything other than anguish for days. Leaning in, he hands the letter to Scott. When the man is done reading Steve’s words, he looks up at Sam. Sam nods. Nothing else is said and Scott hands the letter back. They sit in silence, both processing.

Steve stands on one leg, arms stretch out in front, trying to maintain balance in a near horizontal position, but it isn’t working. Simone holds the pose effortlessly. Steve frowns and has to set his other foot back down. “I don’t understand why we’re doing this.” He’s frustrated with her and his situation.

Simone pulls her arms in, tips so that she’s vertical again, but keeps her foot in the air, bringing it to rest on her thigh. “We are doing this to relax you while we talk.”

“Well it isn’t working.” He sits heavily on the floor and she joins him.

“Try this.” She crosses her legs, straightens her back, and pushes her arms up in the air. She just holds the pose until Steve does it too. “Sometimes, in my life, I lose my balance. It makes everything bigger, angrier. We all lose our balance sometimes, Steve. The key is to recognize it for what it is and re-center ourselves.”

“You’re sayin if I keep doing this stuff, I’ll be cured.” He lets his arms drop into his lap.

“There is no cure for what you have. There is only forgiveness.” Her arms drop too.

“I don’t have anyone that I need to forgive.”

“You have yourself. You need to forgive yourself.”

The nurse brings in Steve’s dinner and he sits by the window, looking out at the trees. Bucky isn’t here tonight. He told Steve that Shuri was going to attach an arm and he went to do scans. He lifts the lid on the plate, staring down at the food he doesn’t really want to eat, but he has a feeling if he doesn’t the nurse will give him hell. 

Picking up the napkin, the utensils fall out and there’s a knife. Someone in the kitchen accidently put a knife on his tray. Picking it up, he holds it steady in his hand. It’s been a long time since anything was steady in his hand. Standing, he takes the knife and goes into the corner of the room, sliding down the wall, he stares at the knife and wonders.

He has no idea how long he sits there, staring at the gleaming metal. He doesn’t hear the door open, focused so intently at the blade. Bucky comes into the room, seeing the knife his instinct is to run and wrestle it away from his friend, but instead, he walks softly over, kneeling down. “Steve?”

Steve holds his hands out, not relinquishing the knife. “Look at my hands, Buck. I’m not shaking.” He looks up and Bucky sees the near manic, glassy look in Steve’s eyes.

“Yeah pal, I see, but maybe you want to tell me where you got the knife.” Steve may not be shaking, but Bucky is. In fact, he feels like he might come out of his skin.

“Oh…uh…someone mistakenly put it on my tray. It’s a good knife, weighted nice.” He pulls his hands back in, holding the knife to his chest like a security blanket.

“I don’t suppose you like to give it to me, would you?” Steve looks back up confused.

Looking back down at the blade resting against his chest, Steve comes out of the fog his brain went into. “You think I’m gonna do it again.” Bucky can’t lie to Steve, so he nods. “You know, I carried the other knife around for over a year before I did anything with it. It just felt good to have it.”

“I get that pal, but your doctor isn’t going to see this as anything except you tryin to hurt yourself again.”

The scariest part of this situation is the blissed out look that Steve gets. Bucky doesn’t understand the lure of what Steve did to himself. Steve hands over the knife and starts to cry. Hanging his head to rest on his bent knees, he sobs. “I’m going to miss it.” Bucky has no idea what he’s talking about.

The following day in his session, Steve tells Simone what happened. “Where did you go in your head?” She’s watched the video.

“Someplace quiet.”

Bucky sits in his therapist’s office and talks about what happened. “I’ve never seen that look on his face before.” He takes a shaky drink from his coffee. “I didn’t know that guy.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve known Steve my whole life. I’ve seen him at his best and worst, but the guy holding that knife, I don’t know him.” Bucky leans forward, resting his elbows on his legs and fights the tears with everything he has.

It’s a sunny day out and Simone decides they are going to have their session outside. Steve sits in the grass and picks at a blade. “Why outside?”

“I don’t get to be outside much during the day, so this was an opportunity.” She’s smiling with her head tilted back, absorbing sunlight.

“So, this was selfish on your part?” He cracks a smile. It’s the first time he’s smiled since the incident.

“Very much so.” She doesn’t open her eyes, but he’s sure she knows he smiled. “Now why don’t you tell me what you’ve been holding back?”

He frowns at her. “What do you mean?” They’ve been at this for weeks and weeks. Steve just hasn’t been able to let go completely. If he can’t trust himself, how is he supposed to trust anyone else.

Finally she looks at him. “You are a very smart man, Steve. Why don’t you stop pretending you’re not?”

“I don’t think I can.” He looks around to see if there’s anyone around. 

“Yes, you can. It’s safe here. You’re safe here.” Whatever it is that he’s holding on to, it’s something he doesn’t want anyone else to hear.

He takes a deep breath. “If I start, I need to get it all out at once.” She nods, but doesn’t reach for the note pad. “It wasn’t the first time I tried it. When I was 16 I tried. My ma and Bucky think I was just out looking for a job, but I stayed out in the snow on purpose. I wanted to get sick, knowing that my body couldn’t take it. I’d just gotten over the flu and my body was already weak. That’s the year I got pneumonia and I came close to dying.” She cocks her head to the side in question. “I was such a burden on my ma and Bucky. They gave up things they wanted and needed because of me. I just couldn’t be that anymore.” She pulls her lips together in a tight line, but says nothing. This guilt he carries goes further back than she realized. “I tried again when I took the plane into the ocean. Everyone thought I was a hero, but really I just couldn’t face life without Bucky.” Suddenly, she understands. “He was gone and I just couldn’t face living without him.” Tears stain his face. “He doesn’t know and he can’t ever know. See, when we grew up it wasn’t something you could say or be. And if you were, then it got you killed. Now, it’s all okay, mostly. But he’s not and I am.” He huffs a laugh. “What would the world think if they knew? That’s a headline to rock America. Former Captain America comes out as a queer.” It’s so self-deprecating in its tone. The guilt is deep-seated and based in self-loathing.

She watches him for a minute and when he doesn’t continue she moves closer. Placing her hand over his. “It isn’t a crime anymore. If it were, my wife and I would have been strung up by now.” She laughs quietly.

He looks hopeful. “So…you’re…”

“Yes, and no one thinks anything about it here. You being gay is not the end of the world. You loving your best friend isn’t a crime punishable by death. You can love him. But more than that Steve, you can forgive yourself for feelings you had no control over.” Her thumb strokes over his hand.

“Yeah, but if he found out, I wouldn’t have a best friend anymore. I’m not sure he even thinks of me as his best friend.” He lays his hand over hers.

“Then why do you think he’s always waiting for you and with you?”

“Obligation.”

That night she goes home and sinks into a tub of water. When she was asked to do this, she didn’t know how hard it was going to be. Steve is a kind, gentle soul that was thrown into something he wasn’t emotionally equipped for. He’s sensitive in a way that she wasn’t prepared for. He isn’t this icon that everyone thrusts upon him. She wants more than anything to wrap her arms around him and protect him from everything and everyone. The door opens and her wife climbs in behind her. Wrapping strong arms around her from behind. “Rough day?”

She leans back and relaxes into the warm body behind her. “More than I can explain.”

Shuri sighs and pulls Simone closer. “Try.”

“You know I can’t talk about it.” She’s unprepared when tears gather in her eyes and track down her cheeks.

“And you know that I am like your files. I will not, would never, repeat what you say to me. My brother could torture me and I would take your secrets to my grave.” She tightens her hold.

Simone turns in her wife’s arms and cries. “He’s so broken. He’s so lost and I want to protect him.”

Shuri caresses her cheek softly. “Tell me.”

“He carries the guilt of everything he thinks he did wrong, but worse than that, he’s gay and thinks it makes him unworthy. He loves with such depth.” She takes a breath. “I should not be telling you this.”

“Even the doctor needs a doctor sometimes.”

Bucky watches his friend try to fight his way back from the abyss. Steve has always been everyone’s rock, but suddenly he is adrift with nothing to anchor to. Bucky wants to be his anchor, but Steve keeps resisting. He keeps pushing Bucky away and keeping a distance between them that has never been there before. It’s driving him crazy, but when he tries to ask why, Steve changes the subject. It finally occurs to him that maybe asking Steve those kinds of questions isn’t wise at this point. So, he hangs back and hopes that at some point, Steve will come to him.

Sam has been watching Steve closely, but doesn’t get too close. He’d be tempted to ask about Steve’s therapy and he has no business being part of that. He knows that he failed his friend. Sam, of all people, should have seen all of this coming. He’s seen soldiers in distress before, talked them down even, but it never occurred to him that Steve was in this much trouble. He’s kept the note a secret. Finding it that night, pocketing it and having only read it later. He and Scott haven’t spoken about it since that day in the common room. Steve hasn’t asked about it, so Sam just keeps it to himself.

As he watches Steve go through therapy, he wonders if he’s opened up about it to Simone. He watches Bucky, so lost and trying so hard to be what he thinks Steve wants. Going to his quarters, he pulls the note out, reads it through again, for the hundredth time, and makes a decision. It’s time that someone gives this situation a push. Steve’s keeping Bucky at arm’s length and Bucky trying to be the perfect friend isn’t working for either of them.

At this point in Steve’s therapy, this subject had to have come up. There’s no way that Simone would get this in-depth with Steve and not ask about a note. Or at the very least, did Steve give anyone a hint that this was where his mind was at the time. For Sam, he thinks back over the soldiers he couldn’t help, the ones that fell prey to their depression and PTSD, the ones that haunt him and when he thinks about the fact that he could have lost Steve to that, he knows what he has to do.

With Bucky awake, T’Challa’s scientists have been working to remove the triggers, so he finds Bucky in Shuri’s lab. “Hey, birdman.” Steve is napping after what seems to have been a stressful session, so Bucky takes care of things he doesn’t want to concern Steve with yet.

“How’s it hangin’, Terminator?”

Bucky snorts. “What’s up, Wilson?”

Sam looks at the doctors and tilts his head, indicating they need to talk alone. Bucky frowns, but follows him. They find a small waiting room that isn’t being used and Sam sits. Bucky seems confused and concerned. “Is Steve okay?”

Sam doesn’t realize that this does look like a bad news situation. “Oh, yeah, Steve’s fine, but there’s something…”

“Sam, what’s going on?”

Sam wrings his hands nervously, gets up, paces and then sits back down. “Look, I wasn’t actively keeping anything from you, but things happened really fast after…” He pauses and takes a deep breath. “The night it happened, he left a note.” Bucky jolts and looks like he’s about to start yelling. “Just wait.” Something in his tone stops Bucky’s rant. “I didn’t show it to anyone, not even his therapist. If I’d shown it to her, she would have asked him about it immediately and I didn’t think that was a good idea. I didn’t think what was in the note was something he was going to be able to immediately talk about. It was wrong of me, but I did what I thought a friend would do.” He takes the note out of his pocket and hands the folded paper to Bucky. “Before you read that, you need to understand, you aren’t at fault for this. That’s not what he means by anything in that letter. He didn’t want you to feel obligated to him.”

With shaky hands, Bucky opens the letter. These are the last words that Bucky would have gotten from Steve. This would have been the last thing Steve ever ‘said’ to him. As he reads, he hears Steve’s voice in his head.

_Dearest Bucky,_

_You were my light. Everything good I’ve ever had. I didn’t do this to hurt you; I did this because I am freeing you from ever having to deal with this part of me. I’m saving you the pain of knowing the boy you called your best friend, is a queer and a failure. The boy you called your best friend, has loved you, without end, for such a long time, but has done nothing except let you down._

_I could have lived loving you, but I couldn’t live knowing that it’s my fault you had to go through the hell of having your life taken away from you. I couldn’t live knowing that I failed you and so many others. The weight of it is more than I can carry. Serum or not, it’s just too much._

_When they find a cure for the triggers, and I know they will, turn to Sam. He’s a good guy, Buck. He’ll lead you through this confusing world and never let you down. They never saw me, not the real me only what they needed me to be. Don’t ever tell them that. Like Howard, they never saw the man behind the shield. Tony always thought I defined myself by the persona, I only ever wanted someone to ask what Steve wanted. And this is what Steve wants._

_Bucky, I’ve loved you for so long that I don’t know when it started. I did this to free you from me. I did this so you would never be shackled by me again. You gave so much to me when we were kids, so much that you had no obligation to give. You did that because you were and are selfless. You did that to make my life easier. Your life should be easier too, but with me here that can’t happen. Let me go, Buck, let me go and live this life you deserve. I was never worth your time or effort, but for every time you gave to me, thank you so much._

_Always,_

_Steve_

Sam folds Bucky into his arms and lets him cry. The letter crumpled in his hand. Sam cries with him, knowing that as hard as the letter had hit him, it’s a thousand times worse for Bucky. The fact that Steve ever believed that he was a burden that they wouldn’t willingly carry, is too much.

“I need to see him.” Sam knew this would be the response.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” Bucky pushes away. “He’s just starting to open up and seems to actually be responding. If you bring this up, it may have him backtracking.”

“What do I do then?” Bucky feels so lost in this and it shows on his face.

Sam isn’t sure what to tell him. “Maybe talk to his therapist. Maybe show this to her and see what she thinks.”

Bucky nods and heads out of the room. Without turning around he says, “Thanks Sam. Thanks for trusting me with this.” He’s out the door before Sam can respond.

Simone is writing up her notes when the knock at the door startles her. “Come in.” She isn’t expecting Bucky. “Mr. Barnes, can I help you with something?” He shoves the letter into her hands. After reading it, she raises her eyes to his. “Where did you get this?”

“Sam.” He tries not to be nervous, but can’t help the nervous twitches. “He found it…that night, but kept it secret until today.”

She motions to a chair and he sits. She joins him and reads the letter again. “Why bring it to me?”

“Sam said that I shouldn’t confront him with it because he might…”

She’s nodding. “Yes, he might not deal well with it.” He nods in return. “So, what do you think about what you read?”

“Sam says that I shouldn’t blame myself, but I’m not sure how to do that. I mean, if I hadn’t gone back into cryo, this may not have happened.”

“Or he may have hid it from you too and it happened anyway. Are you sure you would have seen the warning sighs if you had been there?”

Bucky is up and moving. “No, I’m not. I mean, I’d like to think that I would have, but…” He waves at his head. “…there’s a lot missing up here.”

“How is your therapy going?”

“It’s hard, but okay, I think.”

He looks pleading at her. “You know I can’t tell you anything that we’ve talked about.”

He closes his eyes, leaning his head back and breathing. “Yeah I know, but what do I do?”

She indicates the chair again and he sits. “How do you feel about your friend?”

Shaking his head. “I don’t know.”

“Then maybe you should start by answering that question for yourself.”

Steve and Simone have more sessions outside. Bucky watches from a distance, never interfering, but never getting too far. For a week he’s watched Steve interact with everyone and he is getting better. There’s openness in his friend now and that makes Bucky happy.

He sits in the garden, pretending to read, watching Steve and his therapist walk around while talking. Steve offers his arm and Simone takes it, smiling. Even when Steve was small, he was always a gentleman. Even to the women that wouldn’t give him the time of day. Simone says something to him and Steve throws his head back and laughs. 

Bucky smiles.

There’s nothing better in the world than Steve when he laughs. They come to a stop in their meanderings and sit in the grass. Steve seems relaxed and Bucky lets out a breath that he didn’t realize he’d been holding. Leaning back on his hands, Steve raises his face to the sun. The lines of his body, the arch of his neck, the soft, calm expression, he’s so damn beautiful. 

Bucky nearly chokes on his own breath.

How the fuck had he not seen it? How could he not have known? When did it even happen? Has he always loved Steve and just didn’t recognize it for what it was?

“If you could do anything with your life, what would you do?” Steve is so surprised by the question that he doesn’t answer for several minutes.

“I’m not sure I have a choice.” He wishes it wasn’t true, but unfortunately, in his mind, it is.

“Take away the serum. If you had never been given the serum and become Captain America, what would you have done with your life?” It’s to help him find a path, but also because she’s curious.

“Back then I wanted to go to art school. Buck and I didn’t have the money for that, but I had been accepted based on my portfolio.” He quirks a smile. “Yeah, I think I would have found a way and been a starving artist.” She laughs. “Of course, back then, everyone was starving.”

“Do you still draw?”

“Not really. No time, until now, I guess.” He considers what he just said. “Maybe I should.”

“Yes, I think, maybe you should.”

The session ends and Steve is given permission to go into town to buy art supplies if he takes someone with him. He knows, without doubt, who will volunteer to go. He doesn’t expect all of them to want to go, but an hour later Steve is crammed into a SUV with Bucky, Sam, Clint, Wanda, and Scott. Sam has music playing and it’s something that Steve recognizes. It’s what Sam calls Motown. Various people in the car are singing and Steve can’t remember there ever being a time like this. They aren’t Avengers; they’re just people, in a car, going shopping.

The art store is an interesting experience. Clint should not be left unattended around paint brushes. He tries to use them as arrows. Scott doesn’t help the situation by being Clint’s moving target. Wanda tries to control them, but gets caught up in the fun. Using her power, she helps Clint hit his target, but also shields Scott from injury. Sam gives them all his best ‘dads disappointed in you’ face. Which only makes them misbehave more. Steve hasn’t stopped smiling since they entered the store.

Bucky stands back and watches him look through pencils, charcoal and sketch pads. Steve looks like a kid on Christmas morning. As he kneels, touching the paper of several sketch pads trying to decide which weight would be best, Bucky studies him. He’s lit from the sun coming through the window and Bucky realizes a spell has been cast over him. A spell named Steve and it starts to fill him with emotions, feelings that hit with such force that Bucky nearly doubles over. 

He never understood how the dames couldn’t see how handsome, no that isn’t it, how pretty Steve is. Did Bucky know then and just didn’t have name for it? Is this really new or was Bucky in love then? How had he not put two and two together and known? “Hey Buck?”

Bucky snaps out of the spell and makes a bee line for him and kneels next to him. “Yeah Stevie?”

Steve smiles so softly. It’s small and private, just for Bucky and like the sun coming out after a storm, Bucky remembers. He remembers that smile. The one that Steve never gave away to anyone else. It’s Steve’s ‘I love you’ smile. Steve’s been telling him he’s in love with him since they were kids and Bucky never saw it. “What do you think of this one?”

Bucky wants to put his arm around his shoulder, but doesn’t for fear of what it will do to Steve. “I don’t know much about this stuff, but I think the heavier paper is better.”

“Alright, then the heavier paper it is.” Steve gets up and moves to check out. Once back in the car, Sam doesn’t head back to the compound. “Where are we going?”

“T’Challa gave me the name of a good restaurant and I thought we’d have lunch.” Clint is the most vocal in his pleasure, but the others are just as enthusiastic.

“I’m not kidding. Steve use to steal candy for me at least once a week.” The table is laughing in disbelief.

“Wait, wait, wait…so you’re telling me that Captain America was a thief?” Sam is doubled over.

“I absolutely was, but Buck was worth it. He’s got a sweet tooth like ya wouldn’t believe.” Steve’s Brooklyn accent gets stronger the more he relaxes and Bucky is mesmerized by him. He can’t believe he didn’t see it before. All those times he dragged Steve out on double dates that the man didn’t want to go on, all those times it was more important to Bucky to have Steve there than the girls they were supposed to be with. All those times that he came home from the docks and found Steve on the sofa, sketching, and thought that this is what home is. All Bucky can think now is what a damn fool he’s been.

“So Captain America is a thief and the Winter Soldier can be tamed with a candy bar.” Clint snickers. “You two are a lot less scary when we learn your secrets.”

“Come on Clint, when were you ever scared of me?” Steve’s still laughing, but the rest get a little more subdued. Steve looks around the table and he knows. He did scare them. Bucky reaches over and puts his hand on Steve’s arm. Steve takes a deep breath and looks at his friends. He’s not sure he’s really ready, but he may never be ready. “Maybe we should clear the air.”

Sam is about to speak, but Bucky beats him to it. “You don’t have to do that if you don’t feel up to it.”

“It’s time, Buck.” Bucky nods, as does Sam. “Ask me what you need to know.”

Wanda’s bottom lip starts to quiver and Clint takes her hand. Quietly, but enough that everyone can hear she asks, “Why?”

Bucky jerks, then straightens not knowing what will come out. “Steve…”

“No Buck, it’s okay.” Steve sits forward in his chair, takes a deep breath and pushes through. Simone told him that at some point this would happen. He thinks he’s ready. “I was running away from something. No, not something, from myself.”

Clint sits up, looking at Steve. “What do you mean?”

“There was a part of myself that I couldn’t accept and feelings about situations that I couldn’t reconcile.”

“And now?” Scott watches him really think about his answer.

“Now, I’m working on it.” He looks at each of them. “I’m working on it.” 

Clint nods. “Good.”

The following day in therapy he tells Simone what happened. “You were very careful with your words.”

He nods. “Because it is the truth. What I was running from was me, the guilt I carry, the truth about how I feel.”

She nods. “It was also easier than getting into more detail.”

“Well yeah, it’s not like I could say too much with Bucky sitting right there.” And that’s what she needed to know. Bucky still hasn’t said anything to him about having the letter.

Bucky isn’t her patient. She has no patient confidentiality with him, so she does what feels right. “Steve, there’s something I need to tell you.”

He leaves her office and his mind is whirling like the Cyclone at Coney Island. And he feels just as sick. Bucky knows, has known for weeks, but has carefully ignored it. Simone thinks he’s just not pushing because it’s not good for Steve, but Steve sees it for what it is. If Bucky doesn’t say it, then it isn’t real and he never has to deal with it. He looks at the orderly escorting him. “I need to take a run. Can I do that?” 

Bucky had been in the lab when Steve left Simone’s office and by the time he gets back, Steve is gone. He heads back to Steve’s room, but he isn’t there either. He’s about ready to panic when the orderly comes around the corner. “If you’re looking for Steve he’s out on a run.” 

“He’s not supposed to go anywhere alone.” Bucky wants to ram the guys head through a wall, but doesn’t. That’s progress.

“He didn’t go alone. Doc’s wife went with him.” He turns and leaves. Bucky stands frozen for a minute and lets that sink in. His biggest fear now is that Shuri isn’t equipped to keep up with Steve if he makes a run for it. Taking a calming breath, he reminds himself that Steve is getting better.

“Are you going to talk about it or just run until you collapse?” Shuri keeps pace with Steve, so she knows that he’s holding back. Whether for her or because his mind is too cluttered, she isn’t sure.

“I was hoping to collapse.” It’s said through tight lips.

“Then I assume your session was a rough one.” Simone hasn’t talked about his therapy since that night, so whatever this is, Shuri is unaware.

“You would assume correctly.”

They continue the run until they reach a clearing with a waterfall. Sitting on the ground he closes his eyes to process. The sound of the rushing water and random clicks and whistles from the jungle soothe his mind. “How much would you like to know?”

“Whatever you choose to share with me. I would never dig into something you are not willing to volunteer.” She sits next to him watching the stress sitting in his shoulders.

“How much will you share with your brother?”

“Absolutely nothing.” She grins at him and Steve huffs a laugh.

He tells her everything and manages to not cry in the process. He’s tired of crying. Tired of feeling beaten. Just tired.

“I believe that you are one of the strongest people I know, Steve.” He barks a laugh.

“I and everyone else would disagree with that.” She shakes her head.

“Then they are not seeing what I see. A man tortured for decades by a love that he believes he cannot have and a guilt he should not carry. A man, that despite losing himself for a time, has moved forward. A man who finally took control of his own life, so that he can continue to move forward. A man that instead of letting war and death dictate his life has come through it with a gentle soul.” She gets up. “Stay as long as you like. I must return.” He seems panicked at her trust. “Yes, I know you are not supposed to be left alone, but if you had wanted to harm yourself, you could have outrun me and done so.” With that, she leaves him.

It’s the first time he’s been alone since all of this started. Even in his room, he knows the cameras are watching him. He breathes deeply and lays back on the grass. The water lulls him to sleep and he dreams of roller coasters, hot dogs, and refrigerator trucks.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to explain the title. The actual title of the song is She Used to be Mine. It's a song about a woman that loses herself, but is determined to find that person again. It seemed fitting for this story.

Steve returns to the compound an hour later to complete upheaval. Bucky is pacing the common area, Sam is trying to calm him, Simone is frowning at Shuri, who is doing her best to look apologetic. “What’s going on?”

Bucky nearly flies across the room, pulling Steve against him. “Jesus Steve.”

Steve pulls back, putting distance between them. Giving himself space and room to think. “Hey whoa Buck, what’s that about?”

There are five people in the room that understand why Steve doesn’t need to be that close to his friend. None of them are on the same page. “Uh…sorry…that was…sorry. I was just worried when you didn’t come back with Shuri.”

Steve heads out of the room as fast as he can. He needs to get back to his room, where he’s safe. “I’m not going to try again. I’m not passed it, but I won’t do it.”

Only Simone and Sam pick up on what he’s saying and she’s out of the room and trying to catch him. “Steve, we need to talk about that.” Neither of them are aware that the others have followed.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He stops and sinks to the floor against a wall. “Yes, I still think about it. Yes, I still want it, but I won’t.”

She leans against the opposite wall. “What is so alluring about it?”

Putting his elbows on his knees, he curls his arms over his head. She’s patient and waits not knowing that others are listening. When he does speak, his voice is muffled with his face buried in his arms. “Just before I was unconscious, there was this place and in that place there wasn’t any guilt. In that place there wasn’t failure and he loved me too.” He doesn’t lift his head so is unaware HE is there. At first he thinks it’s Simone sitting next to him, but there’s too much heat, too much body mass. He struggles to get up and away, but a strong arm holds him in place. “Fuck, fuck, fuck…” It’s barely above a whisper, but Bucky still hears it.

“Tell me.” If Steve hadn’t known Bucky as long as he has, he wouldn’t know what those two simple words mean, but he has known Bucky for a very long time and knows exactly what he wants. He wants to understand. He wants the details that Steve won’t give anyone else.

The breath he takes is shaky. “It was so quiet. After the first cut, it was just so quiet. Like the middle of the night on a Tuesday when we were kids.” He knows Bucky remembers because he huffs. “There wasn’t a light calling me home or my life flashing before my eyes. It was just quiet and I don’t know that I’ve ever had that before.” Bucky leans his head back against the wall and hums. “I just want that quiet.”

Bucky gets up and hoists Steve into his arms and heads towards his quarters. Sam starts to say something and Bucky turns and growls. He’s tired of everyone telling him what they think Steve needs. For their whole damn lives he’s been the one making sure Steve got what he needed. Instead of listening to everyone else, he’s going to do what he’s always done and taken charge of this situation. At least for now. Tomorrow, Steve can go see Simone and talk about this, but right now, Bucky’s going to do what needs to be done.

Once in his room, he puts Steve on the couch and goes to gather blankets and pillows. Throwing all of it on the couch he picks Steve up again and carries him to the bathroom. Steve makes no move to stop him or to speak. He just lets Bucky do whatever it is that going to happen. He pulls in a stuttered breath, staring at the floor. Bucky starts the shower and silently strips them both. He pulls Steve into the shower with him and goes about washing him from head to toe. Steve doesn’t talk or help, he just lets Bucky take care of him. Steve doesn’t know what any of this means. Right now he doesn’t care because it’s quiet.

Once done he dries Steve and puts him in a pair of sweats, drawing him back to the couch. He arranges the pillows, straightens the blankets and lays down. He pulls Steve on top of him and covers them both with a blanket. Steve snuggles into his chest, with his head under Bucky’s chin. Rubbing circles into Steve’s back he quietly sooths him. “Ssssshhhhh Stevie, just rest.” Steve drifts off to the quiet cadence of Bucky’s heartbeat.

Simone is pacing the common area the next morning with Shuri sitting by the window. She raises the cup of coffee to her lips and takes a sip while watching her wife wear a hole in the carpet with her nerves. “Do you want coffee?”

Simone shakes her head, but Shuri pours a cup anyway and adds sugar and milk. Simone absently comes to the table, taking a sip and resuming her pacing. Shuri just smiles. “I should go check on him.”

“You should sit down and wait for him to come to you.” Simone shoots her a defiant look. “My love, you have been up all night, worrying, but do you not think that if he was in danger, Sergeant Barnes would have come for you?”

She stops midstride. “Yes, he would have, but not knowing what their conversation entailed, I do not know what condition he will be in.”

“And you are a wonderful doctor for caring so much, but some of this he must survive on his own. You have given him the tools, now let him use them.” She takes her wife’s hand and leads her away.

Steve wakes slowly in a warm cocoon. He hasn’t slept like this in a very long time, if ever. Against his back is something soft, but his front is against something solid and warm. His head is tucked up under a chin if he’s judging right. It all comes crashing back to him. The confession, being carried by Bucky, the shower, oh god the shower, and falling asleep cradled against Bucky’s chest. Jesus, how does he get out of this with any dignity in tacked? “You’re thinking too loud.”

Bucky’s arms wrap around him tightly, meaning any chance he might have had to get up and away, is gone. “Buck?”

“It is too early to have this conversation. Go back to sleep and in a couple more hours we can hash this whole thing out.” He strokes up and down Steve’s back, relaxing him. “All you need to know is, yes, I read the letter, no, you aren’t allowed to try to leave me again and yes, I’m in love with you too. Now sleep.”

Steve smiles lazily, burrows into Bucky’s warmth and sleeps. When he wakes again, he’s alone on the couch, but can hear voices coming from the direction of the door. There’s the clinking of dishes and the smell of coffee and bacon that gets him moving. But moving really only means wallowing around in the blankets until he hears Bucky chuckle at him. “You going to actually sit up and eat something or are you hopin that I’ll hand feed your lazy ass?”

He pushes up into a sitting position and smiles tiredly at his friend. Friend? He’s not sure if those comments actually happened or if he dreamed that up. “Did you…uhh…”

“Yeah punk, I told you that I love you too, now eat something and then text your doctor so she knows you haven’t run away.” Steve beams at him and starts eating.

Halfway through the food he stops. “You mind if I ask you something?”

“You can ask me anything you want.” Bucky grins at him.

“Why the couch?” Steve knows there’s a perfectly good bed somewhere in the apartment.

Bucky raises his eyebrows and laughs. “Out of everything you could ask, that’s what you ask.” He sniggers into his coffee. “Answers simple, you need to sleep and rest your mind. I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea if I put you in a bed. You needed to relax. You needed quiet.” He looks at Steve over the rim of the cup and adds, “But make no mistake, I will take you to bed.”

Steve flushes a deep red and takes another bite of food. “Oh, okay.” Bucky smirks.

“I’m thinking of releasing you from the hospital wing.” Simone had never been happier to see Steve that afternoon. He seemed more relaxed, but she’s under no delusion that he’s all cured. It doesn’t work that way. Now, weeks later, she’s pleased to see that he has a new light in his eyes. There are still days when that haunted look comes back, but at least he seems to be resting now and not pacing at night. They are close to figuring out what his triggers are, but aren’t quite there yet. She has her suspicions, but will need to see him around the rest of the group to know for sure. “The only concern I have is you being alone.” He frowns a little. “You know it is a concern for you too.”

He nods. “Yeah, I know. To be honest, I’m not sure I want to be back in that room by myself yet.” She’s surprised that he willingly admits that.

“Many people have trouble with that part. Those who survive suicide attempts have trouble facing that part, the physical surroundings of what they tried to do.” He seems to cringe at the word. “You tried to kill yourself Steve, you tried to commit suicide.”

His head is bobbing and he seems physically sick. “My ma would hate me for what I tried to do.”

“I doubt she would hate you, but she would be hurt and possibly disappointed.”

“That’s even worse.” He stares into nothing for more than a few minutes. “I tried to kill myself.” She knows _that’s_ the moment when the reality of his situation is overwhelmingly clear. He finally looks at her. “I want to get better.” In all the times they’ve talked, Steve has never come out and said he tried to kill himself. He’s talked about dying, but never said the actual words. _This_ is a solid step towards recovery.

Steve’s things are moved into Bucky’s apartment. Bucky refuses to do anything physical with Steve, except sleep. Steve spends time drawing and going to therapy. Friendly conversations with the team. Walks with Wanda and Scott, lunches with Sam, movies with Clint, but each time he feels like they are keeping a safe distance. Of course he knows why and really wants to reassure them, but he doesn’t know how. 

Three weeks into their living arrangement, the last of the trigger words are removed from Bucky mind. Steve knew Bucky was going to therapy too, but hadn’t even realized that the brunette was dealing with anything else. He felt guilty about that until Bucky had cornered him, arms flying about and voice frustrated. “It was going to be a fucking surprise for you asshole! I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to know until it was done. Now hug me goddamnit!” Steve starts laughing and holds Bucky for an extra long time.

The next hurdle is faced a few weeks later when Simone calls a group session and asks Steve to do something he isn’t completely comfortable with although he can’t really say why. They sit in the common area where everyone looks to be some degree of uncomfortable. “Steve, please explain to your friends, your family, what you think they should know.”

And he looks at them, really looks, for the first time ever. “They are my family.” The tension in the room seems to dissipate a little. Simone smiles and nods. “When I was growing up, I had to fight for everything, including my next breath.” Bucky takes his hand. “It was a constant struggle to just stay alive. Everyone had it tough, it wasn’t just me, but a lot of the time, it felt like it was just me.” He finally looks up. He sees no judgment. “When I was sixteen, I tried to kill myself the first time.” Bucky has already heard this, so he isn’t surprised, but it still hits him in the chest. “When I took the plane into the ocean was the second time.” 

“Steve?” Wanda looks stricken.

“I know, but I’ve never felt like I fit.” He looks at Bucky. “I’ve been carrying all kinds of guilt for years about a lot of different things. A few months ago, I just couldn’t carry it anymore. I failed all of you, I failed the Avengers, I failed myself, and I failed Bucky. I just couldn’t be that person anymore and I thought that meant that I shouldn’t be here anymore. If I’m here then I have to be him. That’s what everyone expects, including me.” Bucky squeezes his hand and Steve hangs on. “Simone and I have been trying to figure out what the triggers are that set off these feelings.” He looks over at her. “I think she’s at least suspected for awhile, but it took time for me to understand.” He takes a deep breath. “When I carry the shield, no one sees Steve anymore, I don’t see Steve anymore. I disappear behind a persona and I allowed that to happen because that’s the only thing that made me worthy. You follow me because I carry it; no one follows me because they understand me.” Bucky starts to object. “Except for Bucky, who never followed Captain America.”

“You’ve always been that little guy from Brooklyn to me.”

“I can’t carry it anymore. I can’t be him anymore, not if I want to be Steve. And I need to be Steve.” Sam is looking proudly at him. “I want someone to pick it up that wants to have it. No one should lose themselves behind a costume.”

Bucky chuckles. “The costume does make your ass look good though.”

The table looks shocked and chuckles uncomfortably. “That brings me to the other part of this.” Bucky nods in encouragement. “I’m gay.” He thought it would be hard to say, but it was the easiest part of the whole affair. “I’ve known pretty much since I met Bucky.” 

Clint sits up and pins Steve with a pained expression. “Did you think that would be an issue for us?”

Steve shakes his head, looking at the table, instead of at his family. “It wasn’t you that I was worried about. It was how I viewed myself.”

It’s been almost seven months since Steve took a knife to himself, six months of fighting back to someone he could look at in the mirror, and two of those months he’s been living with Bucky. Bucky still won’t try anything physical. Steve had confronted him about it, in anger, one afternoon. Screamed at him that if he was just telling Steve he loved him so he wouldn’t try hurting himself again, it was unfair and hurtful. Bucky had come to him, kissed him breathless and told Steve that he wanted him well and on the way to happy. He didn’t want a physical relationship to be the anchor Steve held onto, he wanted Steve to hang on to their emotional connection first. Steve felt like an ass and apologized.

Bucky’s response had gone straight to Steve’s dick. “I want to take you to bed so bad it hurts Stevie. I want to make love with you and fuck you until you can’t walk, but you have to be in a place where you are emotionally ready for that.” He’d kissed him breathless again and Steve was a rumpled mess afterwards.

It has only been seven months when the worst possible thing that can happen, happens. Steve’s phone rings. He doesn’t carry it around anymore. It sits in a desk drawer in Bucky’s apartment. Steve’s at therapy and Bucky doesn’t know where the ringing is coming from. Searching it out, he finds the phone and flips it open. “Hello?”

“Who is this? I need to talk to Cap.” Bucky starts shaking, realizing that it’s Tony Stark. “Is this the right number?”

Bucky braces himself. “It’s the right number, but Steve isn’t here.”

“Well, well, well, I should have known you’d be there too.” Tony sounds sickened and Bucky puts his hand on the table to steady himself. Tony could possibly be a trigger for Steve. Tony’s expectations of Steve are far beyond anyone else’s, except maybe Steve’s own personal expectations. What Bucky isn’t expecting is to start shaking and realize that Tony Stark is also a trigger for him.

“What do you want Stark?”

“I want to talk to Cap about a mission that I need his help with.”

“Well that’s not going to happen.” Bucky clinches his fist. He’ll deal with his issues in his therapy, but right now he has to make sure this doesn’t affect Steve’s therapy.

“You don’t get a say in it.”

“No, you don’t get a say in this anymore!” Bucky knows that getting angry isn’t going to help this situation, so he takes several deep breaths to calm himself. Sitting down at the desk, he tries to decide how to make this okay for Steve. The last thing his love needs is to be pulled back into a world that will kill him, literally. “Stark, I know you don’t want to talk to me, I know you hate me and I understand and accept why, but I need you to listen to me for Steve’s sake.”

“You’re damn right I hate you, with good reason!” The man just won’t stop, but Bucky has to get through to him.

“Please.” His pleads for the man to listen and stop the ranting on the other end of the phone.

“What’s happened?” Bucky sighs and blows out a breath.

“If I let you talk to Steve, you’ll talk him into helping you because he cares so much about you.” There’s a smug ‘humph’ on the other end and it raises the hair on the back of Bucky’s neck, but he pushes that aside. “But about seven months ago Steve took a knife to himself and he almost died. If you ask him to pick up that shield again, I think he’ll do it again, but he’ll make damn sure it works this time. If you care about him, even a little, please don’t ask him to do that again.”

It’s dead silent on the other end of the phone then Bucky hears a sniffle, but writes it off as wishful thinking. “You’re telling me that Cap tried to kill himself?”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m telling you. Please, please don’t ask him to do this.” Buck pauses. “Hell, I’ll carry the damn shield, but Steve just can’t. Do you understand that?”

“Yeah, yeah, I gotcha, Terminator.” The line goes dead and Bucky puts the phone away.

Instead of yoga, Simone has Steve in the gym today. When she told him where they were going, he believed they were going to workout, but when they arrive he sees that it isn’t a typical gym. “What is this place?”

Simone giggles, handing over a sketch pad and pencils. She directs him to a chair and goes to turn the music on. Wanda and the others smile and Sam takes a deep breath. “You better appreciate how much we care about you.”

Steve looks up confused. Wanda is dressed oddly, in something that the women of Steve’s time would have worn to a club. Sam, Clint, and Scott are in suits. Simone sits next to Steve. “We are going to talk, but while we are talking I want you to draw what you feel.”

The music is straight out of the dark clubs of the 1940’s. Clint takes Wanda’s hand and begins moving her around the floor. “Did you practice this?” Steve recognizes the Rumba.

Sam nods. “Yeah, we’ve been working on these for awhile. Wanted to give you good subject matter.”

As they move around the floor, Steve tilts his head, looking at the movement of Wanda’s skirt and the placement of Clint’s hand on her waist. Putting pencil to paper, he loses himself in the subject. “Steve?” He just hums that he heard Simone. “What do you see when you look at them dancing?”

He’s not really thinking anymore, just absorbed in the drawing. “I see beauty and grace. Life.” 

The music changes and Scott take Wanda’s hand and they move to a faster piece. Steve remembers the Jitter Bug. He was never able to do this one because his lungs wouldn’t let him, but he always enjoyed watching people, especially Bucky. “How does it make you feel to watch?”

Still engrossed in his work, he again doesn’t think about the reply. “It makes me happy.” Wanda gets tossed over Scott’s shoulder and Steve laughs. “It makes me feel alive.” He goes back to drawing.

Again, the music changes and Sam takes Wanda and the first few steps tell Steve this is the Lindy Hop. He stops drawing and watches Sam’s confident movements and Wanda following without trouble. For a few minutes he just watches then takes a deep breath. “What is it?” Simone looks at him with concern.

Tears gather in his eyes and Simone takes his hand. “I feel alive.” At the end of the session, Steve has three drawings that he knows he will keep. The four sit on the floor, drinking water and smiling. “Would you get down there with them?” Simone complies and Steve starts a new drawing. For the next couple of hours, they all talk and laugh. All the while Steve drawing the faces of the people he considers his family.

When Steve returns from therapy, Bucky has fixed lunch. Steve can tell by Bucky’s quiet behavior that something is going on, but he’s also learned not to push because there are things that Bucky is still working through in his sessions. But it comes to a head when Steve glances up and finds Bucky staring at him again like he might start to cry. “Okay, what’s going on?”

“I need to tell you something and it’s going to piss you off. I don’t want to piss you off, so I’ve been practicing telling you in my head.”

Steve chuckles. “When have you ever worried about pissing me off, Buck?”

Bucky closes his eyes. “When it has to do with Tony.”

Steve sucks in a breath and gets up to pace the living room. “Wha…what ha…happened?” Bucky was right, this is a trigger for Steve.

“He called.” Bucky gets up to embrace Steve, who doesn’t pull away like Bucky expected, but sinks deeper into the embrace. “He wanted you for a mission and I had to make him understand that you can’t do that anymore.”

There’s a quiet sniffle. “You told him didn’t you?”

“I had to Steve, I had to.” There’s a nod against his shoulder, then a light kiss on his neck. “How mad are you?”

Steve huffs. “I’m not. I’m scared.”

“Don’t punch me for saying this. I’ll protect you.” Steve snorts, but doesn’t punch him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here comes the fluffy stuff.

The phone doesn’t ring again, but Bucky asks T’Challa about anything on the Avengers. He tries to keep the others out of it, but Sam figures out that something must be going on if Bucky is talking tactics with the King. Bucky confides in Sam and between the two of them, after going over the intel, they make a plan. 

What’s left of the Avengers end up in Syria where the threat of a biological weapon being dispatched is the concern. T’Challa informs him that it is everyone that isn’t in Wakanda. Bucky knows he can’t go, but Wanda, Sam, and T’Challa do. There are hugs and instructions to stay safe and don’t do anything that can get them hurt or captured.

Steve gets antsy when he finds out what’s happening, worrying for the family that he’s found in these people, so when Bucky tries to leave him behind to go to the command center, Steve intervenes. “I’m not going to let them go in blind. I may not want to carry the fucking shield anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’m not good for something!”

Bucky calms him and then pulls him into a hug. “Believe me, I know.” He takes Steve’s hand, squeezing, and they head to the command center.

Between Steve and Bucky, the Secret Avengers get in and out without too many people being aware, but Tony and his team are. When they return to Wakanda, they have the Avengers in tow. Steve’s nerves get the better of him when he finds out and he returns to their quarters. He’s gone quiet and Bucky knows that means his mind is spiraling into ‘what ifs.’

Bucky finds him pacing the living room and has learned to let Steve come to him when he gets like this. Pushing only makes the blond shut down. He watches as Steve chews on his cheek and mumbles to himself. Bucky has learned to stay back unless it looks like Steve is going into that dark place. As hard as it is, he holds his ground and waits.

“What if they try to take us? What happens to us if we go back? I can’t let the others go back to prison.” He’s slowly working himself into an anxiety attack and that’s when Bucky steps in.

He takes Steve’s face in his hands, forces him to look into his eyes, and smiles. “T’Challa and Shuri will never let that happen, love.” Steve rests his forehead against Bucky’s breathing in the man that was always his home. “They are coming into our home. We have an entire country that has adopted us and won’t let anything happen.” Steve just nods, holding on to Bucky like his life depends on it.

Steve, Bucky, Scott, and Clint meet the quinjet when it returns and even though a second one lands near it, they only have eyes for their family. When Sam and Wanda disembark, there are hugs from everyone. Steve holds onto Wanda a little longer. “You did good.”

She grins and Sam steps up to get his hug too. “It was nice having you in our ear, Steve.” He pops Bucky in the chest. “This one could use a little work on his tactical instructions.” Bucky frowns, but it gives way to a grin and he hugs Sam too.

The bay doors on the second quinjet open and Tony, Vision, Rhodey, and Natasha descend. The Dora Milaje, led by Okoye, come forward creating a semi-circle in front of their adopted countrymen. The four newcomers stop, looking to T’Challa for explanation. “You will have to forgive my guard, they are very protective.”

Tony assesses the situation. “We’re not here to hurt anyone or take anyone back, we…I just needed to see that everyone was okay for myself.” His eyes land on Steve.

T’Challa nods and Okoye gives an order in Wakandan and the guards open the circle, but don’t retreat. Wanda is the first to move and jumps into Visions arms. “I have missed you.”

Tony steps up, looking inquisitively at Steve. “Why Cap?”

Steve sighs. “That’s why, Tony.” The billionaire furrows his brow, not understanding. “Because all you ever saw, all I ever let you see was Cap.”

Rhodey steps up, hugging Steve. “It’s good to see you, Steve.”

Natasha looks like she’s been betrayed by all of this and keeps a distance. Tony looks at everyone and his eyes come back to Steve. “I didn’t know. I just didn’t know.”

T’Challa clears his throat. “Perhaps you can join us for dinner.” They all nod. Bucky takes Steve’s hand and it doesn’t go unnoticed by anyone in the new group.

Dinner turns into more laughter than Bucky is expecting. “So, Sam’s standing there giving us his best ‘I’m very disappointed in you’ face and Wanda, who would like everyone to think she’s innocent, flies one of the paint brushes across the shop and beans Scotty in the back of the head with it.” If anyone can get these people laughing, it’s Sam.

T’Challa laughs along with the rest of them. “I should perhaps check on the owner of the shop and see if there are any reparations to be made.” 

After dinner, Steve nods to Tony, squeezes Bucky’s hand. While walking the palace grounds, Steve doesn’t miss Bucky and Simone standing at an upstairs window, watching intently. He chuckles. Tony looks at him confused. “What’s so funny?”

Steve points up. “I’m being watched. They still think I could spiral.”

Tony looks up. “They think you’ll spiral because I’m here.”

Although it’s a statement, Steve still answers. “Yeah, they forget that I’m much better than I was…before.”

Tony finally can’t stand it and turns. “What the hell happened, Steve?”

“A lot of things.” He looks up at the stars, smiling. “I failed so many people, you included, plus…” He stops talking, looking back at Bucky who has his hand pressed to the window. “I’m gay and I’d been in love with Bucky for so long, I didn’t think he’d ever feel that way about me. It’s not his fault, I couldn’t accept it about myself and I didn’t…I couldn’t…it just…” He’s flustered and can’t put it into words.

“How can I help?” It’s the last thing that Steve expected to come out of his former teammate’s mouth.

“You can’t.” Tony looks offended because if there’s one thing that Tony’s good at, it’s fixing things. “Come on Tony, it’s not about someone fixing me. The only person that can make me okay is me. I have a great therapist and Bucky and my family.”

“How long have you loved him?” Steve knows that the next answer out of his mouth is the hinge that all of this hangs on, but he doesn’t know what Tony wants to hear, so he tells the truth.

“Since I was about 12.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Steve! Why didn’t you just tell me? If I had known that was your driving force, I might not have reacted the way I did!” Steve winces the higher Tony’s voice goes. He sees Bucky run from the window and knows he’ll be out here within a minute.

Steve turns on Tony and lets the fire he’s feeling come out. He hears Bucky come out of the building as the words leave his mouth. “NO, you wouldn’t have reacted any different. In that moment Tony, all you could see was my betrayal and knowing that I love him with everything I am, wouldn’t have made a difference!” Bucky’s arms slip around his waist. Steve relaxes almost immediately and he feels bad for losing his temper.

There’s a muffled, “Are you okay?”

Tony sees the soft look that Bucky gives his former teammate and Steve’s answering look of gentle concern. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

Steve gets up sometime in the night, knowing that his mind isn’t going to let him sleep, so he heads to the common area and maybe a glass of juice. He isn’t expecting to find the TV on, no sound, just the light dancing around the shadows of the room. Natasha sits in the darkness, staring at nothing. From her behavior all day, he’s made a point not to get too close.

Easing into the kitchen, he tries to be as quiet as possible. He’s aware that she knows someone is in the room, but doesn’t turn to see who it is. “How could you?”

Steve freezes at the accusation in the words, straightening his shoulders, but not turning around to meet her eyes. “How could I what?”

There’s a huff of annoyance. “How could you think it was okay to leave us?”

He feels a surge of guilt, but then realizes that he doesn’t have to feel that anymore. He breathes deeply, focusing on exactly what his body is feeling. He takes longer than she’d probably likes to process his feelings, acknowledging them. Steve realizes that he’s also feeling annoyed. “Some things aren’t about you or the team. Some things are about me. I’m allowed to be selfish sometimes.”

She stands, squaring up like she’s going to fight him. “Selfish is saying no to a mission! Selfish isn’t trying to end your own life! What the fuck was going through you mind? How the hell did you think that was okay?”

“It wasn’t about things being okay, damnit! It was about quiet and not being here anymore!” She looks stricken. “I just needed it to be quiet.” He knows how weak his voice sounds, how weak he feels about the subject. But he also knows, now, that feeling weak isn’t a crime.

He isn’t expecting her to start to cry. Not great heaving sobs, but tears cascading down her face. “You’ve always been the strongest person I’ve ever known. If you folded under pressure, what chance do I have?”

He goes to her, pulling her into a hug that she tries to resist, but finally falls into. “Believe it or not, I’m not strong. I’ve never been strong, not in the way it counts. Inside, I never felt strong; I always felt like I was less than everybody else.” She keeps crying. Bucky watches from the shadows, seeing that things are going to be okay, he heads back to bed. There are some battles that Steve has to fight on his own.

Tony and the team stay for a couple of days and in that time it becomes obvious that those considered fugitives want to go home, all but Steve and Bucky. Wakanda has become home for the Brooklyn boys and neither of them want to leave what they’re building. While the others ask about specific things they miss, Steve holds Bucky’s hand, squeezing gently.

Two and a half days in Wakanda, being together, Steve sees a change in Tony. As they start to board the quinjet, Tony watches. Vision, clearly, doesn’t want to leave Wanda and Wanda looks like an emotional mess. Rhodey hugs Sam and there’s a bond building that Tony doesn’t understand, but probably has something to do with military background. Natasha hugs Wanda and Clint then coming to Steve and Bucky. Scott comes to Tony, looking sheepish.

“Listen man, you don’t know me and probably don’t care to know me, but…” He’s holding a letter. “Could you get this to my daughter? All she knows is that daddy broke the law again and can’t come home…again.” Scott’s still staring at the ground when a hand lands on his shoulder.

“Scott Lang, graduated with a Master’s Degree in electrical engineering. Daughter, Cassie Lang age 11, who thinks her dad is a hero and no one can change her mind about that.” Scott looks up into Tony’s grinning face. “I got this.” He takes the envelope and slips it into his pocket. “Alright, everybody that’s hitching a ride needs to load up now.” Steve can tell that something has changed in Tony, but he doesn’t know what. Just as he’s about to hit the button to close the bay door, he turns back and looks in Steve’s direction. “Hey Barnes!”

Bucky looks up. “Yeah?”

“You got one job and that’s to make sure our boy stays safe. You fail, I’ll find you.” The threat is there, but it holds no weight because Tony knows that Bucky isn’t going to let anything hurt Steve again. Not even Steve himself.

A few months later, T’Challa comes to their common floor. “I have news, my friends.” The movie is paused and all heads turn. “You can go home.”

There’s stunned silence then all voices are talking at once. Sam gets up, taking the tablet from T’Challa’s hand. Reading through the document. “Holy fucking hell, not only can we go home, but we’ve been pardoned.” Sam turns around grinning. “We can really go home.”

T’Challa looks frustrated. “Did I not say that already?”

Sam chuckles. “Yeah, but it carries more weight when I say it.”

“I will be glad when you are gone, Sam Wilson.” Sam smirks.

“How do you feel about your family leaving?” Simone watches as a multitude of emotions wash over his face, but he settles on one that she recognizes.

“I’m happy for them. I’m going to miss them, but I’m happy they get to go home.” She knows it’s the truth.

“What about you? Do you not wish to go home?” This was a conversation that she had with Shuri a few nights ago. Simone wondered if Steve and Bucky would change their minds and leave, but Shuri was sure the two men would stay.

“I am home.” He rubs his forehead, organizing his thoughts. “Don’t get me wrong, Brooklyn will always be home, but not the home I remember. Nothing there feels the same. If it was still a place where I had memories attached to the places, then maybe I would go, but that isn’t how I feel.” He smiles. “And what I’ve built here, what I feel about this place…this is where the memories are attached to. Good and bad.”

He isn’t cured, may never be cured, may always suffer from this depression, but he understands it now. She looks at him and knows that he’s going to be okay. That won’t change his therapy schedule for a little while, but she finally feels like he’s going to be okay. “You understand what’s important now.”

He nods, blushing. “It took me nearly a hundred years, but I think I finally get it.”

Steve and Bucky watch the quinjet take off and know their family will be okay. Twining their fingers together, they make their way back into the palace. The excitement since the pardon has been palpable and it makes Steve happy knowing that those he calls family can finally go home. Bucky squeezes his hand then lifts it to kiss. “I think it’s time we made a home for ourselves. The palace is nice, but it’s not us.”

“Maybe we should talk to T’Challa about that.” He’s in a meeting for the afternoon, so they make a plan to talk with him in the morning. They aren’t expecting a visit from Shuri as they sit down to dinner.

“I have come with a proposition that I believe will make you both happy.” She sits with them and explains her idea. They beam at her as she finishes. “I will assume from your faces that you like the idea?”

Bucky looks at the joy on Steve’s face. “I think you have come to understand us very well, Your Highness.”

She frowns at the title. “It has been set up for you already. I will pick you up tomorrow morning.” She gets up from the table. “Now, I believe my wife is expecting me.” Steve and Bucky spend the night packing their few belongings, grinning at each other. 

Steve sits later, talking with Bucky, who holds him close. “Brooklyn will always be home, but it’s also something that I need to leave behind. I need to have something new.”

“This isn’t where I saw us all those years ago.” Bucky chuckles at the thought. “I should have figured out my feelings sooner considering you were always in my plans for the future.”

“When did you figure it out?” Steve’s wanted to ask, but hasn’t been brave enough until now. Something about laying in the dark, when the other person can’t see your face, makes him braver.

There’s silence. Bucky thinks about that day in the garden, watching Steve with Simone, but he knows when it actually happened. “When I read the letter.” Steve makes a pained noise. “I’ve never cried that hard before. The idea that those were the last words I’d ever get from you.” He takes a shaky breath. “It killed something inside to think about that. I may not have completely understood what that meant at the time, but that’s when it happened.” Bucky pulls Steve closer and listens as the blond drifts off to sleep.

The following morning the transport drops them off and with one last wave and a reminder that Simone will be out the following day from Shuri the two men look around at their farm. Their farm. Steve’s never seen anything so beautiful and Bucky is already making friends with the goats. There’s a white one that seems to really be taking to him. “Stevie, I think this one is going to have a baby.”

Steve looks over, smiling broadly. “Is it possible to make pets out of goats because you have a look like you used to get when a stray cat would end up on our fire escape.” Bucky just grins. The chickens meander around the goat pen, flapping their wings. There’s a small garden on the other side of the hut, but Steve is sure the goats will eventually find it. There are brightly colored pots around the hut with flowers that Steve doesn’t have a name for, but will definitely be drawing when they get settled in.

The hut, which is how it looks from the outside, is bigger than they expected, but it’s when they enter that they are stunned. Inside are all of the modern conveniences they have become accustomed to in the palace. It’s a stark contrast to what it appears to be from the outside. Everything is modern, right down to the large bed in the bedroom. All of Steve’s art supplies are in an alcove off the living room and one of the sketches he did is hanging above the mantel. The faces of their family smile at them and it warms Steve’s heart to see them there. Inside the wardrobe in the bedroom are robes in muted colors. “Does she expect us to start dressing like everyone else?” Steve laughs at Bucky’s question, but runs his hands over the soft fabrics.

“We live in Wakanda now, we should dress like everyone else.” Bucky thinks that maybe Steve is right.

Bucky’s arms slip around his waist and he rests his chin on Steve’s shoulder. “Did you see that bed?” Steve hums. “What do you say we take a nap?”

Steve leans into his warmth. “We’ve only been up for a couple of hours. How can you be tired?” He turns in Bucky’s arms and sees the look. It’s a look he’s gotten used to seeing, but gets quickly covered by something softer. This time it isn’t going away. “Buck?”

“Come to bed with me Steve.” Steve follows behind Bucky, clutching his hand.

Bucky pulls him into his arms. “Why now?”

Bucky tenderly kisses Steve’s neck. “Because we’re both better. Because this is our home where we’re safe. Because I can’t and don’t want to stop myself anymore.”

There’s no softness, no tenderness, no holding back when Bucky kisses him and Steve lets himself fall into it. Bucky will catch him. Bucky always catches him. Steve feels Bucky’s hands unbuttoning his shirt, but his lips never leave Steve’s. His hands roam over Steve’s chest as the shirt it pushed to the floor. It was always hard for Steve to let anyone take care of him, but in this he gives himself over to anything Bucky wants to do. He undresses them slowly, with care and reverence. 

Pulling the blankets back on the bed, he lays Steve in the middle of the pillows and admires how he looks like a breathtaking fantasy come to life. When he joins him on the bed, Steve lets himself look at everything he’s dreamed about. “You’re so beautiful. I always thought so.”

Bucky smiles shyly, looking down so his hair falls in front of his face. Steve reaches up, pushing the strands away from the face that he’s loved for so long. Bucky takes one of his hands, kissing the palm. Steve pulls away letting his hand trail down Bucky’s side, over his bare hip, and to his thigh. “Tell me what you want, Steve.”

Steve leans up, biting at Bucky’s earlobe. The brunette sucks in a breath as Steve whispers in his ear. “I want you in me.” Bucky groans and Steve gives a dark chuckle. “Is that what you want?”

Steve’s head is thrown back, his back is arched, his knees rest the crook of Bucky’s arms, and he’s screaming in ecstasy as Bucky pounds into his body. Bucky had been so careful opening him up with lube that they can only guess was a gift from Shuri, but now the feral desire that Bucky’s been keeping at bay has been set loose. As he takes what he’s wanted from Steve’s body, he watches the blond’s cock bounce against his abs. “Touch…yourself…”

Steve whines deep in his throat. Opening his eyes, he takes in Bucky’s animalistic appearance. The words are nothing but a growl and it’s more than Steve ever thought he’d see. Bucky’s dick hits that spot inside Steve again causing him to cry out and then to the surprise of the ex-assassin, Steve comes without touching himself. “BUCKY!”

Bucky pushes Steve’s knees to his chest and rails him even harder. “Yes…” The last of Steve’s orgasm subsides, but Bucky isn’t done with him yet. “Need…you…” As he feels his orgasm washing over him, he leans in; biting at Steve’s shoulder hard enough to leave a mark that he could care less about in the moment. Steve wraps himself around Bucky, holding on like it’s all that’s keeping him together. He collapses on Steve as the last pulse fills Steve’s body. He pants into his loves shoulder. “Jesus…”

He tries to roll away, but Steve won’t let him go. “don’t…” It’s a quiet request, so Bucky lets himself be cradled against Steve’s body. “Want to stay like this for a little while.”

Bucky kisses lightly against Steve’s neck. “I’ll stay like this forever if you let me.”

The following morning, Simone arrives. She hugs Steve and they watch Bucky try to keep the chickens from eating the vegetables in the garden. “How long was Shuri planning this? Some of the garden is ready to pick.”

Simone smiles. “This project started as soon as you and Bucky got your heads out of your asses.”

Steve barks a laugh, causing Bucky to look up and smile. “Is that your professional opinion, Doctor?”

“It certainly is. It is even in my notes.” Steve chuckles. “Now Steven, let’s take a walk and visit.”

“This isn’t a visit. You’re just using my new home as a way to keep having our sessions outside.” She winks at him and they walk to the river.

Now that the flood doors are open, the two men can’t keep their hands to themselves. Whether it’s feeding the goats or Steve sketching, one look and the two men are back in the bedroom grasping at each other. More than once, dinner has gone cold on the stove when a look or a touch hit at just the right moment. Bucky has taken him in every way possible since their first time a month ago. And each time Simone comes for their sessions, she asks about their evolving relationship, Steve blushes. “It would seem that moving to the country agrees with you.”

Smiling, he looks around at what they are building. “I never thought I would see a day that I lived on a farm.”

They’ve taken to wearing the robes of Wakanda which just means that Bucky has quicker access to Steve when he wants it. On one memorable occasion Steve was picking up sticks for the firepit and was bent over. The next he was aware, Bucky was kissing him while lowering him to the ground. The tall grass hiding their activities from the prying eyes of goats.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart, but you just look so good.” Bucky’s hand travels up Steve’s leg, pushing the robes aside.

“I don’t mind, but if Simone shows up, you get to explain it to her.” Bucky sniggers then moans as Steve latches onto his neck.

“I don’t think I have to explain anything. She’ll get the idea when you start screamin.” Their lips meet and that’s all Steve knows for a good long while.

After another six months, Simone tells Steve that their every two day sessions can be cut to once a week. She’s seen him settle into a new life. He no longer looks haunted when they talk and smiles more. “Do you ever think about it?”

Steve looks up confused. It takes several minutes for him to realize she means hurting himself. The fact that it took time for him to make the connection means that he doesn’t or at the very least, doesn’t think of it often. “I think about it sometimes, but not wishing for it. I think about how if it had worked, I wouldn’t be here now.”

She smiles. It warms her to think that he’s come to that point. “You know if you ever do feel like that again, I am but a phone call away.”

“I know and I appreciate that. I still have bad days. Days when I don’t think I deserve all of this, but Bucky and I have a system for that now.” Whatever it is, it makes Steve smile.

“Care to share what that system is?” She can’t even imagine what the two of them would come up with.

Steve barks a laugh. “You’ll think we’re crazy.” She snorts telling him that she already thinks they are crazy. “Okay, so on those days, Bucky pretends to be sick and it forces me to take care of the animals on my own. It forces me to get up and make sure they’re okay and cared for.” He gives a little shrug. “It works. After I’ve taken care of them it puts things into perspective for me. The goats don’t care that I’m Cap or Steve, they just know that someone is making sure they have what they need.”

Simone chuckles. “I will have to kiss my wife when I get home. The goats were her idea. I thought she was insane for that, but it seems they are just what you need.”

When he gets back from the river where they have their sessions, Bucky is finishing up with the animals and if what Steve is smelling is correct, Bucky made dinner already too. He wears the loose linen pants, but no shirt and Steve can feel himself warming up from the sight of Bucky’s bare chest. He leans on the fence, watching. He heads into the house.

Bucky comes in not long after, checking the dinner. “Stevie! Are you ready to eat?”

Steve comes into the kitchen, grinning. “Yeah, you going to shower now or after?”

Bucky drops the pants and heads to the bathroom. “I’ll be out in a few minutes.” Steve watches him walk away and bites his lower lip. He dishes up the food and has it waiting on the table. Leaning on the counter, staring out of the window, he waits to see if Bucky will find the gift he left for him. He gets his answer when he hears the man in question lean on the door frame. 

Steve drags his eyes up and down Bucky’s body. There’s just something about Bucky in blue that does it for Steve. The robes are sky blue and those blue/grey eyes pop. “I knew they’d looks good on you, even though it isn’t a color you normally wear.” Steve turns to grab the juice from the fridge.

Bucky comes up behind him, wrapping strong arms around his waist and pushing his thigh against Steve’s ass. “You like them? I’ll admit I was a little unsure, but I look good.”

“Yes you do.” Steve winks at him and they start eating.

They’ve been silent for a few minutes, when Bucky speaks again. “How was the session today?”

Steve shrugs. “It was okay. She asked me if I still thought about it.”

Bucky carefully sets his fork down. “Do you?”

Steve places his fork on his plate, staring at the food for a minute. “Not like I used to. When I do think about it, it’s more of a thank god it didn’t work.” He finally looks up at a smiling Bucky. “How did I get to that point?”

Bucky takes a deep breath. “You know, I thought about it too before you found me.” Steve starts to speak, but Bucky holds his hand up. “I thought it would be better for everyone. You know what kept me from doing it?” Steve shakes his head. “I didn’t want the demons to win. If I did that, then Bucky Barnes really was dead and never coming back. I couldn’t let them be right.”

“You’ve always been stronger than me.” Bucky reaches out taking Steve’s hand.

“No, it isn’t about being stronger. It’s about how bad are the demons. Yours were worse than anything I’ve ever seen.” They go back to eating, but don’t release the other’s hand.

Today, Steve wakes feeling calm. Bucky is at the palace having his arm looked at and Steve finished feeding the goats not long ago. He’s showers and heads out to the lake to sketch. From his position on the shore, he’ll be able to see Bucky when he returns. He isn’t expecting the phone to ring as he makes his way to the water. Looking down, he’s surprised that all he sees is unknown number. “Hello?”

“Steve!” Steve grins, shoulders relaxing.

“Sam! How are you?” Steve sits, laying back in the grass, watching the clouds move across the sky.

“Man, I am good. How’s everything in Wakanda?” Steve doesn’t know why he doesn’t call his friend more often, but this new turn in his relationship with Bucky has given him a one track mind recently.

“It’s good. We have goats, Sam. Goats! Can you believe that?” The laugh from the other end of the phone is heartfelt and warm.

“As long as you’re happy, you can have an entire farm.”

“Well, we kinda do. I think if I don’t keep an eye on him, Bucky will show up with horses and cows.” A shadow falls over Steve and he looks over to see Bucky smiling at him. He mouths ‘Sam’ and Bucky nods.

They talk for a few more minutes and Bucky stretches out next to him, head propped on an elbow and his hand coming to rest on Steve’s stomach. “I didn’t call just to catch up, I have something I need to ask you.” Steve hums making Sam think he’s listening, but Bucky’s hand is migrating south and Steve is hard pressed to hear what his friend is saying. When Bucky’s hand glides down his thigh, Steve has to keep himself in check to not whimper. “So, Stark and Pepper are getting married.” 

That snaps Steve back. “Really? It’s about time.” 

“No kidding man, but he really wants you to come back for the wedding and bring Barnes with you.”

Steve’s brain goes fuzzy again when Bucky starts drawing Steve’s robes up his legs. He does whimper this time then coughs to cover it. “I’ll talk to Bucky. Send me the information and I’ll let you know.”

“Alright. You and Barnes take care of each other.” The line goes dead and Steve lets his arm fall to the side.

“You’re a menace.” Bucky leans in, kissing him lightly.

“You love me.”

“I do.”

Bucky rolls on top of him, pulling one of Steve’s legs up, bent at the knee. “You seem relaxed.”

“It’s a good day and getting better.”

Bucky smirks. Steve’s legs fall open and that prompts Bucky to reach down to play with his hole. “Hm…still soft and a little open.”

Steve’s breath stutters. “Then stop wasting time and get in me.” Repositioning, Bucky does just that.

The invitation to the wedding isn’t just for Steve and Bucky, but the royal family as well. So, when T’Challa makes the decision to go, everyone invited agrees. The trip to New York is fast, but it does give Steve time to become anxious. Bucky sits with T’Challa, talking about a new treaty that Wakanda is thinking about signing with the US. Steve is sitting in the back, leg bouncing when Simone sits next to him and places her hand on his knee. Steve looks over, seeming embarrassed. Giving him a soft smile, “What is troubling you, Steve?”

At first, he doesn’t know what to say because he’s not sure. Looking up, he sees Bucky watching him. He stops, takes a deep breath, and stops bouncing his leg. “I think I’m scared.” She nods for him to continue. “I’m afraid that someone or maybe a lot of someones will push a label on me that I don’t want.”

“And what will you do if that happens?” She’s watching him and sees the tiny smirk.

“I’m going to assume that punching them is not the answer you’re looking for.” Shuri, who is still off to the side, trying to pretend she’s reading on her pad, chuckles. Simone shoots a glare at her wife. Steve takes a deep breath. “If anyone tries to be pushy about my comfort, I will tell them…I really don’t know, besides walking away, I don’t know.”

Simone takes his hand. “That is exactly what you do. You need not tell them anything, you simply walk away. You do not have to justify any of your choices to anyone. Your decisions are for you, not for anyone else.” She nods towards Bucky. “I am sure that your,” she quirks an eyebrow, “Boyfriend will be happy to help.”

Steve blushes because he and Bucky haven’t talked too much about what label they are putting on their relationship. T’Challa sets the autopilot and turns in his chair. He looks at Bucky and nods. “I believe this would be a good time to solidify your intent.”

Steve looks at Bucky confused because he’s blushing six ways to Sunday. “Buck?”

Shuri sit her pad down, grinning mischievously. “Now? You decide to do this now?” She stands, hands on her hips. “What about candles? What about flowers? What has gotten into that mixed up head of yours that you think now is the time?”

Bucky says something to Shuri in Wakandan sending Simone into a fit of giggles and causing T’Challa to bark a laugh. He looks back at Steve, who is more and more confused. “Bucky, what’s happening?”

Bucky comes to Steve’s chair, kneeling down in front of the blond. Reaching up, he brushes Steve’s longer hair away from his face, caressing his cheek along the way. “Well Steve, what’s happening is…” He looks over, seeing Shuri who winks and nods. “I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now, even before we moved to the farm and it just seems like the right thing.” He looks down, blushing again, while pulling something from his pocket. “Steve, I know it took me time to figure out what I was feeling, but once I did, it seemed so natural. Like this is just the way it was supposed to be.” Steve nods. “We’ve fought for each other, we’ve come so far and we still have a long way to go on this journey. I don’t wanna make this journey without you.” He clears his throat and sees that Steve is starting to figure out what this is. “I want to marry you and I really hope you want that too, otherwise this is going to be a really strained trip.” Steve huffs, trying to laugh, but also trying not to cry. “Will you marry me?”

He holds up the ring and Steve nods furiously. “Yes!” Slipping the ring onto Steve’s finger, Bucky leans in, kissing where it sits.

Simone hugs him the tightly knowing that he stopped being just a patient a long time ago. “Now, when someone tries to force a label on you, turn to your fiancé and he will carry you when you cannot stand on your own.”

Steve looks at their hands, then at Bucky. “He always has.”


End file.
